Why I loved 2009

Nine a.m. Christmas eve 2009 was when Kurt was supposed to fly in to Raleigh. Unfortunately, he got to the Philadelphia airport kinda late so he got put on stand by for quite a while before he was actually put on a flight. So that kinda bummed us both out a lot but it wasn't the end of the world.

His flight got to RDU around 5:15, and I was so nervous waiting by the escalators. I was worried I wouldn't recognize him for some reason or that I would miss him in the brief seconds I looked away, I was worried I would be a horrible noobcake with the kissing (which I was), and I was worried that perhaps I actually did look a lot better in pictures then I did in real life.

And I was still so nervous when I actually saw him. I said, "Heyyyyy!" in one of my weird tones lol. And I pretty much looked at my feet until he was off the escalator. Hugging him was just so unreal; it was like too good to be true. And of course, being my weird self, one of the first things I say to him is that he looks more white in person hahah. And I was a  noob at holding hands, and my hands were sweaty, my hair wasn't doing what I wanted it too; just felt like I was failing lol.

But just needed practice I guess, as Kurt said. Cuz I felt comfortable with pretty much everything I did by the last day. The week he was here went by so fast, sometimes it doesn't even feel like it happened. And yet, when I wake up I always think he's still here.

I knew I would cry at the airport, that was pretty much a given. But I never knew how much harder it would be to come home to an empty house. To be in this room where all that was left was a bare air mattress and random crap scattered across the desk. To remember all the times he would be staring so lovingly at me, I would make a face or close my eyes because I get flustered, and he would smile so wide and kiss me. To think about all the movies we watched & "watched" together. To think about his scent & how I won't be smelling it for a few months, to put on this blistex chapstick & think about kissing him. Having a hand to hold everywhere I went. To wake up in the morning to a text & think it's him telling me to come in this room and sleep with him for an hour or so, to wake up from a nap on the couch and have it feel like I was leaning against him while watching TV or a movie.

I miss the smallest little things and I've never felt so lonely before. I think of all the times before I used to go walk around Target by myself or days we have school off & I just hang at home by myself and I wonder how I ever did it. I feel like I constantly need a distraction from this loneliness I have now. And thinking about having to wake up so early in the morning for school and having to drive for such a long time with nothing but myself & my radio or my ipod is pretty depressing. Even seeing some scuff marks from where Kurt put his shoes up on my dashboard is sad because it reminds me he won't be in that car for a while and I don't really want to get rid of it either just to remind me that he was actually there.

It felt like more of a dream when he was gone then when he was here. It felt so unreal that the world could seem this empty. It didn't help that the day he left was extremely dull and so foggy that you couldn't see 10 feet infront of you. And when I got to Dad's house, Tami told me she knew how hard it was to let some one go at the airport and that was a tad bit of it but I dunno. That wasn't the whole reason why I was crying. I guess letting go of the feeling of being completely happy was thrown in there and just the fact I felt like it couldn't have possibly been a week that went by already. It went too fast. A day must have been skipped or something and it couldn't possibly be Thursday already.

I'm kinda nervous about meeting his family and stuff but I can't wait till spring break, now. And kinda excited for prom now as well, even though it's not necessary, but it is more time with Kurt so I'll take that whenever possible. And I can'tcan'tcan'tcan't wait till Florida & of course when we actually have a place together. When we don't have any distractions from each other (until school starts, anyway..). It'll be great =].

7 months later.

I know I suck at updating this but no one reads it, so I guess it doesn't really matter; right?

My senior year has been kinda bleh. About a week before school started, I locked myself out when I was letting my dog out & while I was cooking french fries. So the stove caught on fire & the firemen had to bust down my door and stuff. That wasn't so bad except we obviously needed a new stove and we had to spend the rest of the night cleaning the house due to smoke damage.

About 4: 45 that morning, I woke up feeling horrible. My dog Jessie was trying to crawl under the bed so I figured it was about to storm because she always gets freaked out by thunder. I felt so light-headed and the house really smelled like smoke and it was killing me, so I couldn't go back to sleep no matter how much I wanted to. So I got up to wake mom up, telling her that I felt like I was going to pass out and I needed to go outside and get fresh air. So she got up to help me & on my way to the back door, I passed out on the kitchen floor. After mom got me a wet wash cloth & got me up, I went to go lay on the couch where we noticed only half of the electricity was working in the house. It was extremely hot, which wasn't helping my condition, and the only cieling fan in the house that was working was in the living room.

Mom was about to go back to bed when we heard this crackling. At first, we thought it was rain because we would always hear the rain through the stove hood/vent thing so we figured it just sounded different since the stove was no longer there. But Mom was weirded out by the noise so she went to go look out the front window. As she was doing that, the electricity completely went out and the house turned pitch black & I heard mom yell that there was so much smoke outside she couldn't even see out the window and we needed to get out. So I picked up my cellphone from under my pillow, got my dog, ran out the door & called 911. While I was on the phone with the operator person my Mom & Scott were both trying to get the cats out of the house but it wasn't happening.

We backed both of the cars to the very edge of the road (we have a long driveway so it's kinda far back from the house) and kept the dogs in the car with the air conditioning running so they could get some fresh air. The firetrucks, EMS & police got there in maybe 15 minutes. Soon after, I felt like I was going to pass out again so I had to be put on oxygen. While that was happening, they got my 2 oldest cats out. Apparently Tigger (who is almost 18 now) was barely breathing and foaming out the mouth and Kairi (who is almost 7) looked pretty bad too. Thankfully, after we put them in the car with the dogs with fresh air to breathe, they both recovered. However, the firefighters never found our youngest cat, Lucky, who we had found the past summer underneath the shed in our backyard as a tiny kitten that we had to bottle feed for a good month and a half.

The house was horrible when we were finally let back in. The roof from the kitchen to the living room was completely gone, and the rest of the house looked like a swamp from water damage. Thankfully we didn't lose much stuff since all of our clothes were in closets & drawers. And thankfully the one room in the house that wasn't littered by cieling pieces/water damage was the computer room, where most of our expensive electronics were. So we lived in my Dad's RV in our front yard for a good week before we found the place I'm currently staying in now which is a single wide trailer in a pretty ghetto neighborhood but it's better than nothing. In the week that we were living in our front yard, Mom went in the house early in the morning before our family, friends & neighbors came around to help out & she managed to find Lucky. Which was amazing, because it'd been a whole 2 days since the fire and there was no sign of her so we had kinda lost hope. But she lived up to her name.

The school year didn't start off too great either. With all of the house troubles, it also didn't help that I had 4 classes full of work. I had Honors Holocaust & Genocide, Honors Spanish III, Trigonometry, and Tech Crew. My Trig homework was insane. It took me up to 3 1/2 hours to finish it, even when I was just BSing answers and it wasn't just me. My entire class was doing horribly in that class & not understanding a single thing. But with all the drama going on in my life, I just really couldn't handle that so I got my counselor to switch me into Computer Apps 1. Now my classes are pretty much balanced. Not exactly easy, but it's not a horrible workload either. I really only ever have Spanish homework besides working on projects or papers for the other classes.

But I do have good news. News in which I'll put in the next post, because it's probably going to be long on it's own as well.

Update on liiiife.

Okay, well, I told my mom about Kurt. Granted, I didn't tell her that I met him off the internet. I said I met him in 6th grade & he moved in 7th {this was true, but he moved from Burlington to Delran in NJ}. She asked why I didn't tell her and I said cuz most people think it's weird lol. So she told me I couldn't drive all the way to NJ by myself cuz that's a long way & also she didn't want me staying there since she didn't know him nor his parents. So she suggested to ask my sister if he could stay at her house whenever I went up there & I got the okay for it.

So this was all amazing and great except for a few days ago Kurt finally asked his parents about it and got a no ._.; lol. And it's a hour & 1/2 to get there. So that's 3 hours to go there & back. So if he didn't sleep over, that trip would have to be made twice and that's 6 hours of driving so that kinda fails and I'm pretty sure my sister nor his parents would want to do that... sooo we're pretty much screwed for another year, I think.

but he also said this today which confused me:

Animazement 09 Report.

Overall feel: No where as good as last year. But it was still good.

Pre-con: Dad took me, my stepbrother & Jessica to the convention center annnnd we stood in line for a bit. I didn't dress up, I just wore this white dress that I wore to school that day that reminds me of Kairi. Me and Jon talked to this random guy that was behind us in line for a bit and I saw a furry that was wearing a Hurricanes jersey so I had to go hug him. After we got our badges we just kinda walked around the convention center, since none of us had been there before except for Jessica. Eventually Jessica went off with Addy so it was me and Jon and then I ran into Lyn and Anna. Lyn diverted with me and Jon where we went up into this secret floor that's really just an employee only space but still, you could get to it from a public elevator so lol. We also randomly chilled in the corner of one of these giant ballrooms where I found a squeaky chair [which the same kind of chair appeared for the Org XIII panel as well] lol. Then we went to track down Jessica before we had to leave so we sat in the karaeoke room for a bit which the first 2 songs were kinda rock/screamo and thennnn...we got rickrolled. That was about it before we went home. Then I spent the rest of the night finishing the shoes for Neku XD.

Friday: Me and Tami did literal last minute crap for Neku's shoes before I dressed up as Neku and left for the con with Jon, Jessica & her brother. We went to hardees on the way there since it was around lunch time but me and Jon had already eaten so we just got drinks. Jon was trying to get something and he asked me to hold his drink cuz we didn't have any cup holders. So I was like yeah, sure and thennn coke spills on my white shorts lol blah. But apparently if you spill sprite over the same spot [I did this purposely, mind you lol] and wipe it up, then it comes out =]. Then we got there aaand just randomly wandered around again for a bit, people actually really liking my shoes for Neku even though I kinda thought it was the worst part ><; but it works lol. First person I took a picture of was a KH1 Sora when I first walked in ^_^.  Eventually we had to go unpack our stuff from the car and hang it all up in the hotel closet. Soon after we met up with our Riku, who was dressed up as Matt from Death Note, annd she made us change into our KH2 outfits. She was Deep Dive Riku; so she had a blindfold and we had to hold hands and lead her through the convention center because she was blind lol. Then Kairi kept like raping Riku while I was eating. Yeaaah, she's a little special. So we did some more wandering back and forth before the NOIZ concert, which me and Kairi only stayed at for like 1 second before leaving cuz it was soooo hot in there and loud. So more wandering around, picture taking, hugs, and whatnot. Thennn later Kairi changed into her Hetalia costume for which I will not even try to ATTEMPT to spell her character's name and I changed into my rave outfit thing. After standing in line for like 20 mins with Riku who was also wearing a rave outfit and wasn't really Riku, I decided I was really tired so I just went back and went to bed.

Saturday: Didn't wake up till like 9: 30ish so didn't finish getting ready till about 10: 30. First I went as Riku from DN Angel, which a few people recognized me and I took a couple of pictures. But I had high heels for that costume so I could only handle it for so long before I decided to switch into school uniform for Sora. A lot of people didn't get that this was a cosplay, sadly ><;. Still, I took a few pictures, mostly at the photoshoot. But everything with that photoshoot was kinda ADD and hard to follow so me, Riku, and Kairi all decided we should just go to the pool. Neither Riku nor Kairi brought bathing suits so they both jumped into the pool with cosplays lol Kairi changed into her school uniform costume though to do it because she never wore it for anything else. So after I went to the pool I didn't want to spike my hair again and I really wanted an excuse to wear Neku so I changed back into Neku after I dried off. So I walked with Riku, Kairi [Riku wasn't anything and Kairi was the hetalia character again], and my mom to McDonalds cuz all the food stands in the convention center were already closed cuz it was like 10 at night. After eating, Riku and Kairi went back to Riku's room for Hetalia stuff so I just went back to the convention center. Don't really remember what I did till I met up with Riku again who was Russia from Hetalia, followed her who found Lyn sitting on the floor with other random pople. So after Russia/Riku got up and left, I talked with Lyn for a bit before she left too so I got up to go check out the rave, to see if it was as full as everyone said it was. People were complaining they should open the second room, which they did, but you had to go in through the 1st rooms door to get into it because all they did was take down the barrier from the inside instead of happening two openings. But I couldn't find anyone I knew and I didn't want to dance with random people soooo I went home and went to bed.

Sunday: Me and Kairi had to get up at 7: 00 am to get ready for the Org XIII fan panel. So I rushed to get ready cuz it was already 7: 30 by the time I got out of the shower and we got to the convention center and we were the first ones there besides Anti-Sora. We heard a bunch of people upstairs so we were like oh many they're practicing the panel upstairs since we're probably not allowed in the room yet so we went up there and as soon as we get up the stairs theres two girls pointing in our direction and someones like "You might wanna run!" so I pull out my keyblade lol and then when they're actually running in our direction I run down the stairs a little ways to avoid a death glomp but they got anti-Sora and Kairi first so its okay xD so I went back up and gave hugs. So after that we went back downstairs where Squeeky was [person in charge of the panel] and waited a few more minutes before the room was open. After figuring out seating arrangements and getting all the volunteers together it was time to start the panel so just like last year it was a lot of improving. At the end we had a costume contest thing, which the girl who was playing Xion won which I'm glad because I voted for her lol. Then we had a photoshoot that was a lot more organized although people were dying because the sun was starting to come out of the clouds and be really hot and blinding. Then I went in the lobby and got owned in a battle with Xemnas. After that I went in the dealers room one last time to tryyyy and find something for Kurt and failed ._. so then I went back to the hotel room and asked my Mom to walk to McDonalds with me. Riku and Kairi happened to walk in right as we were leaving so they ended up coming with us as well. As we reach the bottom floor, we realize we're in the same elevator as the J-rock band NOIZ; two of them, anyway. But one of theo two happens to be the one that Riku had been obsessing/fantasizing over. So, that REALLY made her life complete. And after I ate McDonalds, I went home; basically. After waiting for like 20 mins for an elevator, every single one going down was full so I suggested that we get an elevator going up and ride it back down. So we did and it worked XD and after we dropped off most of the people on the top floor, then we made it look like we had no room for anyone else for the other 2 floors until we stopped on until the 4th floor [the one we were staying on] and we let all the other people that were waiting with us on.

Annnnd that's about it. As for my personal life, my mom now knows about Kurt. Woo. And I seriously need to think of something for Kurt's birthday ;-; aaaaaaand I haven't talked to him in like 2 days and it's saddening.

New Years

I'll probably add more as I think of them. But for now, this is it.

My Resolutions for 2009

1. Do something I wouldn't normally.
2. Say I love you more often.
3.  Try not to cry as easily.
4. Don't let school get me down so much.
5. Be more outgoing/sociable.
6. Finish my cosplay crap.
7. Finish Fractured Love.
8. Finish a huge amount of RE: SD.
9. Try more food.
10. Eat better.
11. Take more pictures.
12. Beat P3. [I had to give it back to Bryce]
13. Buy P4.
14. Finish both sides of Re: COM.
15. Go to see Kurt [not for another year...]
16. Do well on my SAT  [I did...average.]
17. Beat P4
18. Replay KH and KH2